The first recorded incident was eight months ago.
New York City was covered with an inch of snow and shopping was maintaining the number three position, after eating and sleeping, on the list of human needs.
Xmas 2019 was a week away and the landfills awaited the bounty they’d be receiving in January.
As a boisterous group of teenagers got off a subway and the train was pulling out of the station, one young man banged firmly on the passing windows, delighted in seeing the terrified passengers jumping out of their seats.
Seconds later, in the push and shove of the crowd, he found himself separated from his buddies. Suddenly he was surrounded by four figures dressed all in red, red masks covering their faces. They threw a sack over his head, bound his hands and feet, and then he felt himself being transported, as if carried on the wind. When they uncovered his head, disappearing as swifty as they showed up, he found himself in Times Square, naked, bound, with an genital-shrinking ice pack duct-taped just below his testicles, and a note on a string around his neck.
Learn to overcome that brutal pompus ego or we’ll shrivel it for you.
Of course a pedestrian had immediately captured a cellphone video. Visible in the short clip are tourists, some also taking photos, some giggling. One or two were trying to help untie and cover him.
On the evening news, as the newscaster stood at the scene of the crime and told the story with dramatic excitement, throwing in a hint of menace and fear to hook the viewers, the video clip was replayed numerous times (now with genitals pixilated) for the captivated in front of their TVs.
Many more almost identical events were reported in the following weeks. Each seemed to follow some display of aggression, with most victims too embarrassed to talk afterwards about what they had done.
In March, after the St. Patrick’s Day parade in New York, eleven individuals were found bound, ice-packed and labeled, in Times Square; a few more down by the 9/11 Museum. A coffee-table book collecting some of the more interesting stories, tentatively titled Aggressive Humans of New York, was in the works.
However, by April, reports were coming in from almost every other state in the USofA, and by summer no country on the planet was left untouched by what some were calling terrorism and others performance art.
June, San Francisco.
It began when a man was confronted by passersby when he was urinating against the side of a building. Arrogantly he turned around, yelling “take this!”, as started walking toward the people aiming to pee on them.
Those interviewed at the scene said they didn’t even have time to pull out their cameras when some red figures appeared out of nowhere and suddenly the man was gone.
He was found at Fisherman’s Wharf, in front of a restaurant and hundreds of tourists—a plastic bag with ice taped near his genitals. And a note around his neck.
Think of this as a suggestion to chill out.
A rapper in Chicago, interviewed after the removal of the ice bag, said:
We studs bein’ juked with misandry / plenty o’ thots rage sufficiently.
Kanye West was on Oprah a few days later, wearing his MAGA hat, explaining that thot means that ho over there, and defending the Chi-town rapper’s opinion that men were being singled out unfairly.
Ms. Winfrey smirked and shot back: maybe it’s one of the downsides to having balls.
During the week-long Burning Man festival in Nevada, four men suspected of mixing alcohol and testosterone had ripped off doors and otherwise defaced the community porta-potties. They were each found tied to different large art structures, naked—the snazzy costumes they were wearing nowhere to be found, the ice bags dripping water onto the desert dust. Same note on all four.
Keep a perimeter around your flames.
A common parking spot altercation—one backing in, one trying to pull in—followed by yells and fists. Figures dressed in red. Two naked men tied to their cars, ice bags in place. Signs.
Pushing the foot down on the gas way too far.
Security cams at all the famous tourist locations—the Eiffel Tower, Tower of Pisa, the London Eye, Mutianyu Great Wall, Sydney Opera House, etc—were regularly capturing the deliveries of the embarrassed aggressors, with nothing more than a red blur of color dropping them off.
The talking heads on the news networks were spinning their analysis.
“Tonight on what some are calling the New Red Scare we’ll be covering the actions of Aggressions Anonymous. Who are they? Are they somehow related to the hacktivist group Anonymous? Are they like Spartacus?
Their ability to strike has bordered on something we only see in super-hero movies on the big screen. How do they focus in on their targets’ behavior? Will women be next? When will it end?”
The doorways to blame were blown wide open: Political Correctness, Socialism, #MeToo, Muslims, Mexicans, Mormons, and particularly Aliens—with suggested origins as diverse as Russia and Mars.
Just yesterday all the city newspapers received a printed copy of a Manifesto—which suggested that these actions would continue and that in the meantime men who tend towards these behaviors should begin to form 12-step groups and try to work together to overcome their destructive conduct.
Whether in a suit on the trading floor on Wall Street, in overalls on a farm in Iowa, with pants whose waistband is sliding down below the butt, a zoot suit in a movie set in the 1940s, or pre-slashed jeans and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt—you need to start to do the work. It’s time guys. We can’t do it for you.
And don’t get all comfortable you giggling bystanders, gentlemen and ladies —because it seems like you all need a bit of housebreaking. Soon we’ll be addressing numerous other detrimental behaviors. No ice bags, but imagine that trash you drop on the street suddenly back up and inserted inside your mouth. Pay attention!
If this was online we’d insert a smirk emoticon here.
And today it all entered a new level.
Every network news truck was heading towards the middle of the city. Writers were discussing with editors how they were going to present this story —”What about the kids? It was complicated enough with Lewinsky . . .”
The FBI was discussing how such a breach of security could have happened — not only to get him out of his hotel room near the United Nations, but how did they manage to transport him to Times Square.
By the time they untied him and removed the icebag the emperor was on many cellphone videos, some who were less than sympathetic to him since he had managed to sneak away from an obviously justified impeachment the previous year.
YouTube staff were already working overtime to set up algorithms that would block any attempts to share these many embarrassing clips before the upcoming election.
A police officer with rubber gloves had picked up the sign that had been hung around the president’s head to check it for fingerprints.
[ For perspective — a less fantastic version going on in India right now. ]
© AleXander Hirka 2019. All Rights Reserved.
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